Probably the wisest question a guy can ask on a first date is this: What are your pet peeves? I say this is wise because it gives us girls an opportunity to go on and on about all of the petty little things in life that bother us while giving the boy an opportunity to be self-conscious for the rest of the night. Here’s an example:
Girl: “Hm…Where to start?...Slouching, gum-chewing, nail-biting, knuckle-cracking, nose-picking, fidgeting, texting, chewing with your mouth open, chewing with your mouth closed, blinking, talking, breathing, and asking questions.”
Boy: …*head explodes*
Okay, probably not so wise, but it’s a good conversation starter and vastly entertaining. Usually when a boy asks me this, I try to save him the anxiety attack by listing things that are completely irrelevant to our relationship. For example:
Boy: “So, what are your pet peeves?”
Me: “Hm…Where to start?...Mexicans, ducks, ventriloquist dummies, peace signs, lawn gnomes, country music, and the color yellow.”
Boy: “…You’re weird.”
Unless he’s a Mexican, a ventriloquist, a hippie, or a country music fan, he’ll have nothing to stress out about.
I do, however, have actual pet peeves that would deem a guy undatable. Only four things, and here they are:
1. The “Forrest Gump accent.” You know, like the southern accent mixed with…slowness? Is it politically correct to say that? Here’s the thing. I had a mean roommate for two semesters who talked like that. It drove me nuts. And I’m pretty sure it was a fake accent. So, now whenever I hear it I want to shank someone with a ballpoint pen. Just sayin.’ But enough of that.
2. Another pet peeve I have is when people who crave attention make up ridiculous stories about themselves to get attention. This is not the right way to get attention, people! That goes for you too, one-uppers! If I tell you I just barely learned how to juggle (which I can’t do, but that would be really cool), I DON’T want to hear about how you spent six years as a clown in the travelling circus. If I tell you I used to play basketball (again, just an example, not true), I don’t want you to tell me how you used to play in the NBA. It’s just too far-fetched and totally not believable.
3. Self-appointed nicknames are also a no-no. It’s okay if you do something really cool to deserve that nickname, and SOMEONE ELSE gives it to you, but if you made it up yourself it will NEVER catch on.
4. My biggest pet-peeve, though, is when people refer to themselves in the third person. It’s incredibly self-centered, and I don’t care who the heck you think you are, you will sound incredibly stupid. I’m pretty sure the only person/creature on the entire planet who can pull this off is Elmo. "Elmo loves you! Elmo loves his goldfish! Elmo loves to color!" Elmo is a very loving creature, which is why he alone can pull this off.
I’m a pretty laid-back person though, and not many things bother me too much. Like my list of non-threatening pet peeves, these four things don’t come up too often, and I’m willing to overlook things I don’t like if a person is actually really nice and genuine. But for entertainment’s sake I’m posting this video of a man who breaks all but the “Forrest Gump” rule. That’s right. He tells outlandish stories WHILE referring to himself in the third person BY a self-appointed nickname. Excuse the language. The opportunity was just too good to pass up! You might know him from Survivor:
I bet you I hate one uppers way more than you.
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