Monday, October 31, 2011

The Grinch of Halloween

Halloween is a cool holiday. I mean, it’s the only day in the entire year where it’s acceptable to dress up like a crazy person, visit random houses, and demand candy. Kudos to the 4-year-old dressed as a cute little pumpkin soliciting candy from the crazed-looking man with a butcher’s knife sticking out of his head. That kid has my respect. Seriously.

Sadly, Halloween becomes less fun as you get older. Why? Because I have to work, that’s why. I STILL go trick-or-treating every year, and if I didn’t have to work guess what I’d be doing tonight? It’s okay for me ‘cuz if I dress right, I can pass for 13. Since I can’t participate in the festivities this year, I am now the Grinch of Halloween. When I get home, I’m going to sit in front of the TV watching scary movies while slowly devouring a big bowl of candy. And no, I’m not sharing. I’m just going to leave a bowl outside with a sign that says “take one.” Only, here’s the tricky part. I’m only putting two pieces in. I figure the first kid will take two, and—Oops! We’re out of candy. Sorry, kids. You snooze, you lose. :P Happy Halloween, suckas!


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Elmo Loves You!


            Probably the wisest question a guy can ask on a first date is this: What are your pet peeves? I say this is wise because it gives us girls an opportunity to go on and on about all of the petty little things in life that bother us while giving the boy an opportunity to be self-conscious for the rest of the night. Here’s an example:
Boy: “So, what are your pet peeves?”
Girl: “Hm…Where to start?...Slouching, gum-chewing, nail-biting, knuckle-cracking, nose-picking, fidgeting, texting, chewing with your mouth open, chewing with your mouth closed, blinking, talking, breathing, and asking questions.”
Boy: …*head explodes*
Okay, probably not so wise, but it’s a good conversation starter and vastly entertaining. Usually when a boy asks me this, I try to save him the anxiety attack by listing things that are completely irrelevant to our relationship. For example:
Boy: “So, what are your pet peeves?”
Me: “Hm…Where to start?...Mexicans, ducks, ventriloquist dummies, peace signs, lawn gnomes, country music, and the color yellow.”
Boy: “…You’re weird.”
Unless he’s a Mexican, a ventriloquist, a hippie, or a country music fan, he’ll have nothing to stress out about.

             I do, however, have actual pet peeves that would deem a guy undatable. Only four things, and here they are:
1. The “Forrest Gump accent.” You know, like the southern accent mixed with…slowness? Is it politically correct to say that? Here’s the thing. I had a mean roommate for two semesters who talked like that. It drove me nuts. And I’m pretty sure it was a fake accent. So, now whenever I hear it I want to shank someone with a ballpoint pen. Just sayin.’ But enough of that.

2. Another pet peeve I have is when people who crave attention make up ridiculous stories about themselves to get attention. This is not the right way to get attention, people! That goes for you too, one-uppers! If I tell you I just barely learned how to juggle (which I can’t do, but that would be really cool), I DON’T want to hear about how you spent six years as a clown in the travelling circus. If I tell you I used to play basketball (again, just an example, not true), I don’t want you to tell me how you used to play in the NBA. It’s just too far-fetched and totally not believable.  

3. Self-appointed nicknames are also a no-no. It’s okay if you do something really cool to deserve that nickname, and SOMEONE ELSE gives it to you, but if you made it up yourself it will NEVER catch on.

4. My biggest pet-peeve, though, is when people refer to themselves in the third person. It’s incredibly self-centered, and I don’t care who the heck you think you are, you will sound incredibly stupid. I’m pretty sure the only person/creature on the entire planet who can pull this off is Elmo. "Elmo loves you! Elmo loves his goldfish! Elmo loves to color!" Elmo is a very loving creature, which is why he alone can pull this off.

             I’m a pretty laid-back person though, and not many things bother me too much. Like my list of non-threatening pet peeves, these four things don’t come up too often, and I’m willing to overlook things I don’t like if a person is actually really nice and genuine. But for entertainment’s sake I’m posting this video of a man who breaks all but the “Forrest Gump” rule. That’s right. He tells outlandish stories WHILE referring to himself in the third person BY a self-appointed nickname. Excuse the language. The opportunity was just too good to pass up! You might know him from Survivor: Tocantins, Heroes vs. Villians, and South Pacific. Introducing...Benjamin “Coach” Wade!




Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I've Lost My Sheep!


Okay, so I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and I came to a totally expected and completely non-surprising conclusion: Boys and girls think very differently. I was observing my brothers in their natural habitat, which is to say in the man-cave playing Call of Duty, when I realized this. My brothers are way into guns and hunting and stuff like that, and they have to know absolutely everything about guns. It drives me nuts sometimes ‘cuz they’re always asking me questions I would NEVER have the answers to and telling me stuff I will NEVER have to know. Then I thought: “I never asked questions when I was younger. I just made stuff up and assumed I was right.” Still do.  

For example, when I picked up a big red apple at the grocery store, my mom told me we didn’t want those ones (because they were too expensive). Along comes a frail old lady, who picks up one of the apples, and I panicked. I stood up in the cart and screamed at the poor woman at the top of my lungs: “Don’t buy that apple! Don’t you know how Snow White DIED?!?!” I’m pretty sure she was scared for her life. Similar experience with my preschool teacher when I stopped her in the hall and told her she would die from drinking coffee. But probably the best experience happened when I was in the first grade. When I was little I was taught that alcohol was bad for you. So, naturally I assumed that all of the world’s problems were caused by beer and such. To the surprise of my first grade teacher, I decided to write a poem about it. Here’s a little bit of it:

 Little Bo Peep had lost her sheep
Well, DUH!
That’s what happens when you get drunk.

 There is a reason I don’t write poetry often, but I sincerely hope my poetry has gotten better since then. Seriously, that didn’t even rhyme. But the point is…I have no idea what possessed my six-year-old mind to believe that this harmless nursery rhyme was actually a stand against alcohol. I just always accepted it as fact. Little Bo Peep was a raging alcoholic. Now, to this day, whenever I do something stupid, my family will ask me if I’ve lost my sheep.

            Since I’d like to believe I’m not the only crazy person out there making outlandish assumptions about life, I’m going to generalize and say that all girls think this way to some degree. Girls like to pick apart situations and speculate. Guys like to deal in facts. But guys, remember this. Girls are always right. Even when we’re wrong, we’re right. In the wise words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “A gentleman allows a lady to maintain her fictions.” J

 PS: Disregard the title of this post. I’m not actually drunk.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Stupid Lizard-Thing...

You know that mind-blowing experience you get when you watch a movie you didn’t quite understand as a kid, but then suddenly you understand it due to the wisdom that comes with age?! Well, I was watching The Lion King today…And let me tell you. There are sooo many things I missed. For example, I JUST realized that one of the hyenas is a GIRL. What’s up with that?! Also, I realized that this movie is a knock-off of Hamlet. Congratulations, Shakespeare. Hamlet has been turned into a Disney movie…Except we’re gonna add lions, a deranged monkey, and a few musical numbers and probably leave out the whole “to be or not to be” dilemma. But the part that really got to me was the stampede scene.

So Simba is just chillin’ on this rock in the middle of nowhere, practicing his roar like his Uncle Scar told him to. He kinda half-roars/half snarls at this poor lizard-thing and scares the bejesus out of it, so it runs away. Then comes the herd of crazed antelope speeding down the gorge. Here’s the thing though. I thought for years that the whole stampede happened because the lizard-thing was upset with Simba, so he magically summoned the antelope to come and run over Mufasa. Stupid lizard thing…It’s HIS fault Mufasa’s dead. Never mind the fact that the antelope were being chased by three hungry hyenas. By the way, if a herd of antelope can kill a freakin’ lion, why in the world were they running from three hyenas?! Just sayin’…This scene threw off the whole movie for me because I missed the fact that Scar was the real bad guy… I thought it was the lizard-thing. So naturally, I had no idea why Simba came back to kill Scar at the end. But you know the great thing about being a kid is? None of that mattered. I still loved the movie because the lion fights were cool!
 If you haven’t seen the Lion King, I’ve officially spoiled it for you.