Guess What?!

            When I tell people I’m an English major, they have the same reaction almost every time. 3-2-1…”So, are you looking to be an English teacher?” Of, course. Because that is the ONLY thing you could possibly do with an English degree. This drives me insane. No, my life’s dream is not to teach. I have no interest in instructing people over and over and over again that “there,” “they’re,” and “their” are three different words and they are NOT interchangeable. Don’t get me wrong. I have mad respect for English teachers mainly because I myself don’t possess the patience or the willpower to teach. I mean, why should anyone else be as smart as me? However, I absolutely love it when people pay attention to and understand the rules of the English language. So, I thank all English teachers for doing what I cannot and educating the general population.

            

           Another reaction I get when people find out I’m an English major is when people suddenly get super self-conscious about everything that comes out of their mouths for fear of being corrected. Now, I’m not a grammar Nazi. It’s not my job to correct you. That’s your English teacher’s job, thank goodness. However, I appreciate proper grammar, and I WILL notice if you make a mistake. I took a grammar class in college, and sometimes I diagram peoples’ sentences in my head while they’re talking instead of listening to them. It’s a curse, and I’m not proud of it. I won’t vocally correct you though. I make grammatical errors while speaking too. I know it even when I’m making them, and I absolutely hate it when people point them out. It’s scary how defensive some people get over language, so I’d rather just avoid confrontation. There are some things though, not just grammatical, that will make the English major in me cringe.

1. I’m a little OCD about punctuation, I’ll admit. But without it, I believe wholeheartedly that the English language would begin a rapid descent into anarchy. Punctuation clarifies what we are trying to say and how we are trying to say it. There is a crucial difference between “Let’s eat, grandma!” and “Let’s eat grandma!” I think grandma would agree.

2. “Should of?” Really? I don’t think I need to say more. It’s “should HAVE.”

3. Um…Words that sound the same don’t always mean the same thing…If you pay attention, you only have to learn the difference between your and you’re; its and it’s; and there, they’re, and their once. And I will love you for it.

4. Please remember that pronouns refer to the nouns that are closest to them. Actually, these mistakes can be really funny, so feel free to keep making them for my entertainment. Ex: “I went jogging with my dog and my grandma, but we had to cut it short because she attacked the mailman.” Now, most people would automatically assume it was the dog that attacked the mailman, but I don’t like to rule out potentially hilarious possibilities…

5. Okay, this isn’t a grammatical error, but it drives me nuts anyway. People always say “I could care less” when they wish to convey indifference. But if you think about it…this saying doesn’t make any sense at all in context. If they really could care less, then why don’t they? Wouldn’t you say that you “couldn’t care less,” which is to say, you don’t care at all and therefore could not care less. Maybe it’s just me thinking too much...

6. Again, this isn’t a grammatical error, but it’s a custom in the English language that I don’t understand. When people have exciting news, they always begin with “Oh my gosh, guess what?!” To which I will unfailingly reply “Do I have to guess?”

7. Then there’s the common typo. These can be funny, but they can also be very annoying, especially when you’ve worked so hard to sound smart in the first place. For example:

          

           Well, there you have it. The Seven Deadly Sins of the English Language, according to Melissa Turner. But don’t worry. If you commit any one of these crimes, I’ll forgive you immediately. No repentance necessary. But I reserve the right to chuckle inwardly at your transgressions. What can I say? I’m a nice person. But anyway…I just blogged about grammar, and I now feel like a genuine English nerd. I’m going to go do something with my life.

Sentence Diagramming...

Would you like to know what else goes on inside my head?

 

 

Plus-Sized Skinny Jeans?

            To the large middle-aged man in Wal-mart walking around in skinny jeans,

I think you may have exceeded the limits of your pants…by just a hair.
Sincerely, girl who now wishes she were blind.        

            I have recently been inspired to write about something I view as a serious problem in our society: the use and misuse of skinny jeans. Let’s face it. Only a fraction of the world’s population can pull it off. And that does NOT include guys. If you are a guy and you wear skinny jeans, you BETTER be holding a gun or hunting velociraptors or otherwise doing something incredibly manly for every second of your life. Now, I’m not trying to be mean, but it’s just not okay. If I were a blind person, by all means, wear whatever pleases you. Except I’m not blind, and if I happen to glance at you and see something I will never be able to un-see, then we have a problem. Do the sighted world a favor…Please. Wear what fits you. I can promise that you’ll feel better about yourself, people around you will be more comfortable, and you won’t lose circulation in your legs…I give such great advice, huh? You’re welcome. :)  

What A Girl Wants?...That Guy.

My favorite chick flicks are He’s Just Not That Into You, How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, and John Tucker Must Die. What does that tell you? I hate chick flicks…Hate them with all my soul. Scary movies and thrillers are more my speed. Why? Well there’s a perfectly logical explanation for this. Chick flicks make me sad about my life…especially when they have happy endings. Scary movies always leave me feeling better about my life…especially when they have horrible and disturbing endings because no matter how bad it gets, I know my life will never be THAT bad…Hopefully. Chick flicks don’t do us any favors, people. They give us unrealistic expectations. People don’t fall in love like that. It just doesn’t happen. Hate to break it to you, girls. Chivalry and fairytales are dead…Not because they are no longer possible, but because we have learned to lower our expectations. They’ve been replaced with awkward situations, disappointments, lost opportunities, and not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it. The movies make it look so easy when in real life, love is a royal pain.

            So, you’re probably asking where this rant is coming from? Well, this morning, against my better judgement, I was watching What A Girl Wants. I think the title of this movie is funny because if you ask Amanda Bynes what a girl (her character) wants, she’d say that she wants to find her birth father in England and hopefully fit in with the royal society. But for me, this movie is all about Oliver James. That’s right, I just undermined the entire plot. If you ask me what a girl wants, I will say “him” without hesitation. I mean, look at him. He’s super attractive, has a British accent, drives a motorcycle, sings/plays guitar, and he’s SENSITIVE. In my experience, guys aren’t like that ever. I mean, seriously, are you ever going to meet a guy who will look you in the eyes and ask you “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?” Really.

 I don’t mean to be super negative, but that’s just how I see it. Chick flicks will give you that warm, fuzzy feeling when you’re living vicariously through the main character, but once the end credits are rolling to the tune of a love song, you come to the realization that that will never happen. So I’m going to stick with scary movies. Because as the end credits are rolling to the tune of a smashing piano, I will come to the conclusion that if I never watch a cursed video tape with nightmarish images on it, Samara will not crawl out of her well and through my TV to end my life. Just something to think about…

The Grinch of Halloween

Halloween is a cool holiday. I mean, it’s the only day in the entire year where it’s acceptable to dress up like a crazy person, visit random houses, and demand candy. Kudos to the 4-year-old dressed as a cute little pumpkin soliciting candy from the crazed-looking man with a butcher’s knife sticking out of his head. That kid has my respect. Seriously.

Sadly, Halloween becomes less fun as you get older. Why? Because I have to work, that’s why. I STILL go trick-or-treating every year, and if I didn’t have to work guess what I’d be doing tonight? It’s okay for me ‘cuz if I dress right, I can pass for 13. Since I can’t participate in the festivities this year, I am now the Grinch of Halloween. When I get home, I’m going to sit in front of the TV watching scary movies while slowly devouring a big bowl of candy. And no, I’m not sharing. I’m just going to leave a bowl outside with a sign that says “take one.” Only, here’s the tricky part. I’m only putting two pieces in. I figure the first kid will take two, and—Oops! We’re out of candy. Sorry, kids. You snooze, you lose. :P Happy Halloween, suckas!

Elmo Loves You!

            Probably the wisest question a guy can ask on a first date is this: What are your pet peeves? I say this is wise because it gives us girls an opportunity to go on and on about all of the petty little things in life that bother us while giving the boy an opportunity to be self-conscious for the rest of the night. Here’s an example:

Boy: “So, what are your pet peeves?”
Girl: “Hm…Where to start?...Slouching, gum-chewing, nail-biting, knuckle-cracking, nose-picking, fidgeting, texting, chewing with your mouth open, chewing with your mouth closed, blinking, talking, breathing, and asking questions.”
Boy: …*head explodes*
Okay, probably not so wise, but it’s a good conversation starter and vastly entertaining. Usually when a boy asks me this, I try to save him the anxiety attack by listing things that are completely irrelevant to our relationship. For example:
Boy: “So, what are your pet peeves?”
Me: “Hm…Where to start?...Mexicans, ducks, ventriloquist dummies, peace signs, lawn gnomes, country music, and the color yellow.”
Boy: “…You’re weird.”
Unless he’s a Mexican, a ventriloquist, a hippie, or a country music fan, he’ll have nothing to stress out about.

             I do, however, have actual pet peeves that would deem a guy undatable. Only four things, and here they are:
1. The “Forrest Gump accent.” You know, like the southern accent mixed with…slowness? Is it politically correct to say that? Here’s the thing. I had a mean roommate for two semesters who talked like that. It drove me nuts. And I’m pretty sure it was a fake accent. So, now whenever I hear it I want to shank someone with a ballpoint pen. Just sayin.’ But enough of that.

2. Another pet peeve I have is when people who crave attention make up ridiculous stories about themselves to get attention. This is not the right way to get attention, people! That goes for you too, one-uppers! If I tell you I just barely learned how to juggle (which I can’t do, but that would be really cool), I DON’T want to hear about how you spent six years as a clown in the travelling circus. If I tell you I used to play basketball (again, just an example, not true), I don’t want you to tell me how you used to play in the NBA. It’s just too far-fetched and totally not believable.  

3. Self-appointed nicknames are also a no-no. It’s okay if you do something really cool to deserve that nickname, and SOMEONE ELSE gives it to you, but if you made it up yourself it will NEVER catch on.

4. My biggest pet-peeve, though, is when people refer to themselves in the third person. It’s incredibly self-centered, and I don’t care who the heck you think you are, you will sound incredibly stupid. I’m pretty sure the only person/creature on the entire planet who can pull this off is Elmo. "Elmo loves you! Elmo loves his goldfish! Elmo loves to color!" Elmo is a very loving creature, which is why he alone can pull this off.

             I’m a pretty laid-back person though, and not many things bother me too much. Like my list of non-threatening pet peeves, these four things don’t come up too often, and I’m willing to overlook things I don’t like if a person is actually really nice and genuine. But for entertainment’s sake I’m posting this video of a man who breaks all but the “Forrest Gump” rule. That’s right. He tells outlandish stories WHILE referring to himself in the third person BY a self-appointed nickname. Excuse the language. The opportunity was just too good to pass up! You might know him from Survivor: Tocantins, Heroes vs. Villians, and South Pacific. Introducing...Benjamin “Coach” Wade!

I've Lost My Sheep!

Okay, so I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and I came to a totally expected and completely non-surprising conclusion: Boys and girls think very differently. I was observing my brothers in their natural habitat, which is to say in the man-cave playing Call of Duty, when I realized this. My brothers are way into guns and hunting and stuff like that, and they have to know absolutely everything about guns. It drives me nuts sometimes ‘cuz they’re always asking me questions I would NEVER have the answers to and telling me stuff I will NEVER have to know. Then I thought: “I never asked questions when I was younger. I just made stuff up and assumed I was right.” Still do.  

For example, when I picked up a big red apple at the grocery store, my mom told me we didn’t want those ones (because they were too expensive). Along comes a frail old lady, who picks up one of the apples, and I panicked. I stood up in the cart and screamed at the poor woman at the top of my lungs: “Don’t buy that apple! Don’t you know how Snow White DIED?!?!” I’m pretty sure she was scared for her life. Similar experience with my preschool teacher when I stopped her in the hall and told her she would die from drinking coffee. But probably the best experience happened when I was in the first grade. When I was little I was taught that alcohol was bad for you. So, naturally I assumed that all of the world’s problems were caused by beer and such. To the surprise of my first grade teacher, I decided to write a poem about it. Here’s a little bit of it:

 Little Bo Peep had lost her sheep

Well, DUH!
That’s what happens when you get drunk.

 There is a reason I don’t write poetry often, but I sincerely hope my poetry has gotten better since then. Seriously, that didn’t even rhyme. But the point is…I have no idea what possessed my six-year-old mind to believe that this harmless nursery rhyme was actually a stand against alcohol. I just always accepted it as fact. Little Bo Peep was a raging alcoholic. Now, to this day, whenever I do something stupid, my family will ask me if I’ve lost my sheep.

            Since I’d like to believe I’m not the only crazy person out there making outlandish assumptions about life, I’m going to generalize and say that all girls think this way to some degree. Girls like to pick apart situations and speculate. Guys like to deal in facts. But guys, remember this. Girls are always right. Even when we’re wrong, we’re right. In the wise words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “A gentleman allows a lady to maintain her fictions.” J

 PS: Disregard the title of this post. I’m not actually drunk.

Stupid Lizard-Thing...

You know that mind-blowing experience you get when you watch a movie you didn’t quite understand as a kid, but then suddenly you understand it due to the wisdom that comes with age?! Well, I was watching The Lion King today…And let me tell you. There are sooo many things I missed. For example, I JUST realized that one of the hyenas is a GIRL. What’s up with that?! Also, I realized that this movie is a knock-off of Hamlet. Congratulations, Shakespeare. Hamlet has been turned into a Disney movie…Except we’re gonna add lions, a deranged monkey, and a few musical numbers and probably leave out the whole “to be or not to be” dilemma. But the part that really got to me was the stampede scene.

So Simba is just chillin’ on this rock in the middle of nowhere, practicing his roar like his Uncle Scar told him to. He kinda half-roars/half snarls at this poor lizard-thing and scares the bejesus out of it, so it runs away. Then comes the herd of crazed antelope speeding down the gorge. Here’s the thing though. I thought for years that the whole stampede happened because the lizard-thing was upset with Simba, so he magically summoned the antelope to come and run over Mufasa. Stupid lizard thing…It’s HIS fault Mufasa’s dead. Never mind the fact that the antelope were being chased by three hungry hyenas. By the way, if a herd of antelope can kill a freakin’ lion, why in the world were they running from three hyenas?! Just sayin’…This scene threw off the whole movie for me because I missed the fact that Scar was the real bad guy… I thought it was the lizard-thing. So naturally, I had no idea why Simba came back to kill Scar at the end. But you know the great thing about being a kid is? None of that mattered. I still loved the movie because the lion fights were cool!

 If you haven’t seen the Lion King, I’ve officially spoiled it for you.