Party Like It's 2012!

            So, apparently this is the last year before the end of the world or whatever. I don’t believe this at all, and I’m very much looking forward to watching 2012 on January 1, 2013. However, I do think it’s time for some serious New Year’s Resolutions, what with the world ending pretty soon and whatnot. So what’ll it be this year? What mundane life changes will I subject myself to for a while and then wordlessly abandon about halfway through January? I don’t really understand the purpose of a New Year’s Resolution because essentially you’re trying to make drastic life changes in the time it takes for the clock to change from 11:59 pm (New Year’s Eve) to 12:00 am (New Year’s Day). It just doesn’t work. Self-improvement is a work in progress, an accomplishment reached by making every day better than the last. I mean, just think about it. If your New Year’s Resolution was to drink less alcohol…I’m pretty sure well over half of the American population failed that one just last night…

           

            The number one most popular New Year’s Resolution is to exercise and eat healthy foods, which I think everyone could use a little more of. I’m pretty sure my life is an endless battle between my love for food and my desire to not be fat, and oddly I’m okay with that. I just love food way too much. I eat when I’m happy. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I can’t sleep (which is most nights). Let’s face it, working out “when I feel like it” is not a great strategy. Whenever I’m laying on my couch thinking “Maybe I should work out today,” I just eat something until the feeling passes. And then I feel guilty, which makes me eat more. It’s a vicious cycle. If I didn’t have an Asian metabolism, I would be really fat. When watching The Biggest Loser is a stressful activity, you know you have problems. I’m the type of person who probably should not be watching reality television. I get way too into it. The Biggest Loser is just too much for me to handle. Whoever named that show was ironically cruel. I mean, to commend obese people for adopting a healthy lifestyle while simultaneously mocking them? Brilliant. But cruel. Anyway, this show stresses me out for two reasons. 1) I feel like I should work out more because I’m afraid that Jillian Michaels is going to show up at my door and brutally murder me if I let myself get fat. And 2) People on that show typically lose like 200 pounds…This concept freaks me out because I feel like if I ever lost 200 pounds…I would cease to exist. I could work myself right out of existence. So maybe, I SHOULDN’T work out…New Year’s Resolution? Watch less reality television.  

            In all seriousness though, I am determined to make this year better than last year. So my official New Year’s Resolution for 2012 is this: Live as if the world was ending. Walk a little taller. Work a little harder. Be a little kinder. Let the people I love know I love them. Happy New Year, everyone! Now, go forth and BE AWESOME. 

I've Lost My Sheep!

Okay, so I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and I came to a totally expected and completely non-surprising conclusion: Boys and girls think very differently. I was observing my brothers in their natural habitat, which is to say in the man-cave playing Call of Duty, when I realized this. My brothers are way into guns and hunting and stuff like that, and they have to know absolutely everything about guns. It drives me nuts sometimes ‘cuz they’re always asking me questions I would NEVER have the answers to and telling me stuff I will NEVER have to know. Then I thought: “I never asked questions when I was younger. I just made stuff up and assumed I was right.” Still do.  

For example, when I picked up a big red apple at the grocery store, my mom told me we didn’t want those ones (because they were too expensive). Along comes a frail old lady, who picks up one of the apples, and I panicked. I stood up in the cart and screamed at the poor woman at the top of my lungs: “Don’t buy that apple! Don’t you know how Snow White DIED?!?!” I’m pretty sure she was scared for her life. Similar experience with my preschool teacher when I stopped her in the hall and told her she would die from drinking coffee. But probably the best experience happened when I was in the first grade. When I was little I was taught that alcohol was bad for you. So, naturally I assumed that all of the world’s problems were caused by beer and such. To the surprise of my first grade teacher, I decided to write a poem about it. Here’s a little bit of it:

 Little Bo Peep had lost her sheep

Well, DUH!
That’s what happens when you get drunk.

 There is a reason I don’t write poetry often, but I sincerely hope my poetry has gotten better since then. Seriously, that didn’t even rhyme. But the point is…I have no idea what possessed my six-year-old mind to believe that this harmless nursery rhyme was actually a stand against alcohol. I just always accepted it as fact. Little Bo Peep was a raging alcoholic. Now, to this day, whenever I do something stupid, my family will ask me if I’ve lost my sheep.

            Since I’d like to believe I’m not the only crazy person out there making outlandish assumptions about life, I’m going to generalize and say that all girls think this way to some degree. Girls like to pick apart situations and speculate. Guys like to deal in facts. But guys, remember this. Girls are always right. Even when we’re wrong, we’re right. In the wise words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “A gentleman allows a lady to maintain her fictions.” J

 PS: Disregard the title of this post. I’m not actually drunk.