Guess What?!

            When I tell people I’m an English major, they have the same reaction almost every time. 3-2-1…”So, are you looking to be an English teacher?” Of, course. Because that is the ONLY thing you could possibly do with an English degree. This drives me insane. No, my life’s dream is not to teach. I have no interest in instructing people over and over and over again that “there,” “they’re,” and “their” are three different words and they are NOT interchangeable. Don’t get me wrong. I have mad respect for English teachers mainly because I myself don’t possess the patience or the willpower to teach. I mean, why should anyone else be as smart as me? However, I absolutely love it when people pay attention to and understand the rules of the English language. So, I thank all English teachers for doing what I cannot and educating the general population.

            

           Another reaction I get when people find out I’m an English major is when people suddenly get super self-conscious about everything that comes out of their mouths for fear of being corrected. Now, I’m not a grammar Nazi. It’s not my job to correct you. That’s your English teacher’s job, thank goodness. However, I appreciate proper grammar, and I WILL notice if you make a mistake. I took a grammar class in college, and sometimes I diagram peoples’ sentences in my head while they’re talking instead of listening to them. It’s a curse, and I’m not proud of it. I won’t vocally correct you though. I make grammatical errors while speaking too. I know it even when I’m making them, and I absolutely hate it when people point them out. It’s scary how defensive some people get over language, so I’d rather just avoid confrontation. There are some things though, not just grammatical, that will make the English major in me cringe.

1. I’m a little OCD about punctuation, I’ll admit. But without it, I believe wholeheartedly that the English language would begin a rapid descent into anarchy. Punctuation clarifies what we are trying to say and how we are trying to say it. There is a crucial difference between “Let’s eat, grandma!” and “Let’s eat grandma!” I think grandma would agree.

2. “Should of?” Really? I don’t think I need to say more. It’s “should HAVE.”

3. Um…Words that sound the same don’t always mean the same thing…If you pay attention, you only have to learn the difference between your and you’re; its and it’s; and there, they’re, and their once. And I will love you for it.

4. Please remember that pronouns refer to the nouns that are closest to them. Actually, these mistakes can be really funny, so feel free to keep making them for my entertainment. Ex: “I went jogging with my dog and my grandma, but we had to cut it short because she attacked the mailman.” Now, most people would automatically assume it was the dog that attacked the mailman, but I don’t like to rule out potentially hilarious possibilities…

5. Okay, this isn’t a grammatical error, but it drives me nuts anyway. People always say “I could care less” when they wish to convey indifference. But if you think about it…this saying doesn’t make any sense at all in context. If they really could care less, then why don’t they? Wouldn’t you say that you “couldn’t care less,” which is to say, you don’t care at all and therefore could not care less. Maybe it’s just me thinking too much...

6. Again, this isn’t a grammatical error, but it’s a custom in the English language that I don’t understand. When people have exciting news, they always begin with “Oh my gosh, guess what?!” To which I will unfailingly reply “Do I have to guess?”

7. Then there’s the common typo. These can be funny, but they can also be very annoying, especially when you’ve worked so hard to sound smart in the first place. For example:

          

           Well, there you have it. The Seven Deadly Sins of the English Language, according to Melissa Turner. But don’t worry. If you commit any one of these crimes, I’ll forgive you immediately. No repentance necessary. But I reserve the right to chuckle inwardly at your transgressions. What can I say? I’m a nice person. But anyway…I just blogged about grammar, and I now feel like a genuine English nerd. I’m going to go do something with my life.

Sentence Diagramming...

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